Thank you for the Presents Aunt Betty

This is my Aunt Betty. She passed away on Christmas Holiday. Uncle Bob sent me these beautiful pictures and her silver Starfish necklace. Aunt Betty loves Starfish, Seashells, and Humming birds. They were unexpected gifts. Uncle Bob told me that he wanted me to have one of her most treasured things so I can have a part of her too. I was very touched and happy knowing that they love me as much also and want me to have these valuable items. I won't ever forget Aunt Betty or stop loving her even if I don't receive these precious gifts.

Wow, Aunt Betty was a Hottie when she was younger. I bet she had great times being young, beautiful, and single. Uncle Bob said that all the guys in town were chasing after her...she picked Uncle Bob because he made her laugh and that he hung around long enough to wear her down... she had no choice but gave in and chose him. Very funny and romantic.

Loosing Aunt Betty and Stinky in the same week made me think more about my life now and after...what would happen to K when I am gone. I am not afraid to leave this world. I would have regrets if it happens too soon because I just want to be on this earth long enough to see K grow up doing things like plays sports, dates, gets married, have children, and so on. I want K to know that I love him unconditionally; I will to protect him when he's weak, stand up for him when he's most afraid, and agree to disagree with him of his ideals, thinking, issues about life, politics, religions, and so on. Just because I maybe mad at his action that doesn't mean that I'll stop loving him.

Of course, we all have regrets in life that's why they called it "hind sight". Are they really regrets or just us being selfish and greedy? We're selfish and greedy because we want more out of life, don't want to let go, afraid of losing control of our fate, or want to live forever. I believe that we create our destiny, and our time on this earth is limited and preassigned. It's up to us to live our life the best way we can to our fullest potential or not do anything at all and blame everyone else for our misfortunes.

I don't know when my time will be and if my time ever come too soon, please do not mourn my untimely death. I will forever look over my son, husband, family members, my closest and dearest friends Stacey and Oanh making sure that they are safe and protected. I ask you to remember the good times we shared, fun times we enjoyed, and bad times we experienced. Talk to me when you miss me because I will hear you. I feel like if you cannot be good and love me when I am alive, I sure don't want your tears and regrets after I am gone...what good is that, you know?

As I said before, we all have our purpose in life whether or not we see or accept them. Live your life with integrity and confidence, don't let anyone put you down or make you feel inadequate, stand up for the weak and vulnerable, be good to ones you called families and friends, say what you mean and mean what you say with tact, most importantly be empathetic and compassionate toward others as you would like them to you. I have flaws, I feel broken at times, I made stupid and bad decisions in life, and I gave in to others' ideas and influences which I was uncomfortable with. Hind sight...I would of done things differently, chose wisely, and not listened to others too quickly. I was jaded as a child, I was mistreated as a teen, and a loner as an adult. They said that you can't hold on to the past if you want a different and better future.

Maybe for all those reasons, I feel isolated and hardened. Maybe that's why I don't settle for less in life because I have so much to give. I refuse to be mistreated and used again because i am strong and not afraid to fight back. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends because they were fair weathered and untrustworthy. I give at least 100% in any relationship I am in and I expect that much back...so far I only find it in couple of friends. Some said that "to love me is to understand me." or "accept me for who I am not of what I can do for you or give you."

I always give people benefits of the doubts and tried not to prejudge anyone. I may be standoffish and guarded at first but I am loyal, trustworthy, understanding, and easy going. I am Cancer and I am true to the crab description...it is hardened and not pretty to look at on the outside but soft, bendable, and full of goodies from the inside once you get passed my shell. Until next blog. My best always, Serene

Mama, I Super Hero...

For the longest time, K had not asked about Stinky. We were wondering if he even noticed that she's gone. We didn't bring her up infront of K fearing that he'd ask questions that we couldn't answer. About 3 weeks or so after Stinky's gone...as I was doing laundry, I turned around and there was K. He asked "hey, where's my Chihuahua at?" I pretended not to hear him because the unexpected happened. He then asked me again "where's my Stinky at, mama?" I stopped doing laundry, bent down to K's level and said "you remember how she was very sick, coughing, and had hard times breathing...she is in Heaven now honey...she feels better, she's happy,and shes's not sick anymore." K said "huh".

I further explained: "you see how pretty the clouds are, they are soft, white, and fluffy. Stinky lives there now...it's her new home." K got mad and said "no, mama...I want my Stinky back home to mama's home. I want her eat her food and go outside play." I cried. I miss Stinky too and I don't have to hide it from K anymore...what a relief, but I saw the expression on K's face of how ademently he wanted her here with us. I told him "someday maybe we can look up the clouds and see her up there and say hi to her, o.k.? for now, that's her new home, she's not sick anymore." K then walked away with his head down. I don't know what's in his head, what he's thinking. Sitting on the couch being very sad and quiet...maybe he was dealing with the sadness of loss for the very first time in his life. About 15 mns later or so, I sat next to him and asked if he wants to talk to me about how he feels. He just looked at me with those big brown eyes...his eyes were talking but nothing came out. I huged and kissed him. I told him that it's ok to be sad of missing Stinky, it's ok to cry because we miss her, and that it's ok to talk about how much we love her. I know that he's confused...so many questions in his head that he couldn't articulate them in words.

Few days afer that, we're in the car driving to Target. A beautiful day...it was sunny, temps was in the 50s, a little breezy and cold, but overall was a nice day. We were at the red lights, K looked up the sky as if he's looking for something...I asked what he sees up there. He told me "I am looking for Stinky mama. I Super Hero, I come and rescue her and bring her back to mama's home." I laughed with teary eyes. He then said "can I mama? can I rescue her?" I said "yes you can, you can do anything you want to for Stinky but she needs to be up there...she's happy to be sleeping on the clouds." He didn't respond kept looking up the sky.

Two days ago, we were outside playing GI Joe. It's a game that K plays with Joe when the wx is nice. They would run around the culde sac and throughout neighbors' houses with their plastic rifles pretending to be soldiers looking for bad guys. Of course, when Joe's not here...I must fill in Joe's shoes. I am not very good at the game but K took the lead and I followed him. He took a break from playing and leaned against the car. Again, he's looking up the sky concentrating as if he sees something. I asked him "what are you looking for, honey?" He said "I'm looking for Stinky...I can't see her mama, where's Stinky on the clouds mama?" I told him "maybe she's napping, but we'll make sure that we'll look for her often and maybe someday we can see her up there and we'll wave at her o.k.?" He was contend with my answer and stopped looking up the clouds.

Is K accepting that she' s moved on? Does he understand what Heaven is? Does he understand why Stinky is not here with us? and Is he coping with living in the house without her presence? When Stinky was alive, K barely paid attention to her. He didn't play with her, didn't mess with her, didn't pet her without us encouring him to, didn't bother her, or infringed in her space. She and K were like 2 ships passing in the nightssss. It was understood love and affection from both for one another. Once in a while, he would ask of her or made sure that she was ok when she was sick but for the most part...they co-existed.

Stinky's memorial plaque we ordered from Lowes came yesterday, I placed it in the garden where Stinky rested. K asked us "what's that mama?" I told K " it has Stinky name on here, her age...it means that we will never forget her, she will always be a part of our family, and we will always love her." "Awesome" K responded. He then said "I love the clouds, they are pretty and Stinky is up there..." "yes, honey...she is..." Until next blog. My best always, Serene

Snow in the Forecast for PCB???

It's supposedly snow today in PCB but it rained and rained since last night. The temps is high 40s but feels like mid 30s. My son is playing Lego Clone Wars game...he's learning. It's funny to see him playing and struggling to get to certain stages of the game. Kids are smarter than we think when comes to games, computers, TV, and so on. They learn so quickly.

It's Friday and I am not doing anything special. Just another day for me hanging out with my baby boy and taking good care of him. I don't look forward to the weekends, holidays, or even holidays weekends because being a mom is 24/7. I only take breaks when I run errands or doing things outside the house by myself. I love to take an hour to either walk or jog in the weekends when I can. Exercising makes me feel good and it recharges me. Being a mom is so demanding and taxing because I'm a hands on mom. I don't ignore my son or let him do his own things while I'm on the phone, the internet or whatever. He's in my sight or that I'm right next to him at all times...that's why I am so exhausted at the end of the day. I wouldn't have it any other way because he's growing up so fast. Next thing we know he's ready for K-School, Jr and High Schools, and ultimately College and life...I don't want to think about it too much because I want to enjoy K's as a kid, his innocence, purity, and youth. Until next blog. My best always, Serene

Another Hazy and Rainy Day in PCB

What is up with the wx (weather)? When the sky is gray and it is hazy, rainy, and chilly, my motivation is weakened; my spirit is dampened; and at the end of the day, I feel like a fat slob being inside the house all day. Yes, I could of get in the car and drive to the store(s) or the Mall and bored-shop but it's not my thrill. I have enough things, clothes, and more things...after having a child, I don't shop just to be shopping, just because I'm bored, or it's on sale...I am more conscious of how I spend money since diapers, formulas, wipes, and other baby necessities were so expensive. No one ever told me that those things are expensive and being a first time mom, I was naive and ignored the obvious when I was out and about shopping for baby stuff while I was pregnant. I could of save much money buying diapers and wipes on sale while waiting for K's arrival instead of waiting until the after arrival. I could write a book telling young, and first time moms of the things to buy, not buy, and so on. I could also let them know how their bodies changed, state of mind, and struggles within for the first three years or so of your baby's life. I know we're all different but we're all very much the same because we're moms first and everything else is secondary. Shifting in priority is the biggest change that many have problem adjusting. When moms who are continuing to be selfish, self-absorbed, and resentful, the children will suffer from the lacks of attention, care, love, and nutritional needs to grow into their beautiful and healthy selves. Just know that our children didn't ask to come into this biased and violent world, we asked for them...even the ones who arrived unexpectedly, they are results of our own actions or non-actions. We, the adult are accountable for our own action or non-action. We can't take it out on them because of their youth and inability to fight back. Trust me, there are days that I am so frustrated but I very quick realize that it's myself to blame not K...he's just being a kid and I am much much older; therefore, I should know or act better. It is easy to take it out on our children and blame them for our disposition but it takes special moms to see our purpose and our children's purpose in life. We all have purpose in this world. Nothing here is permanent; that's why they said "nothing good lasts forever". Until next blog. My best always, Serene

The Age of the Innocence

"Green Eggs and Ham" --- my son's new favorite DVD. He watched it about 5 times a day for the past week or longer. It's a good thing that it's only about 20 mns long. It never cease to amaze me how a child's mind works. Things that are so simple and insignigicant in our adult life seem so important and interesting to them. Being a child, they live for the moment; take it all in and enjoy them as if it's something new for the first time; have no future plans or aware of consequences of their action make them living life as if it's their last and enjoy life as if they're millionaires. All is so innocent and harmless. I wouldn't do anything to alter his now purity and carefree. Kids are supposedly live their youthful years without fears, worry, hardship, and security. Kids are not supposedly jaded by nasty and mean people in their lives who are selfish and self-absorbed. People who are set out to hurt children, parents who abuse and mistreat their own kids, and people who look away and not being protective guardians are ones who alter the innocence and purity in our children. The same people who are jaded our childrent's character and positions in life. It's saddened me to hear about children are being killed, molested, harmed, and abused daily on the news. I cried for the children and pray that when they are growing up, they won't blame themselves for what happened to them and have a healthy and productive life.

We only had 2 good days of nice and warm weather since the week of Christmas 2009. It's now cloudy, windy, chilly, and just plain ol' sad. I am so ready for the cold winter to be over. I am so ready for Spring and Summer. I am ready for it to be hot so I can go jogging and wear shorts and T-shirts again. Then again, we have much better weather than most other states. Until next blog. My best always, Serene

Why So Cold????

Man, this winter is the coldest ever since we've moved here back in Dec '07. For the past week, the wx temps have been from 32 to 45. Too cold even go outside let alone doing my routine exercise with my son. My hands are constantly freezing and I am wearing socks to keep warm. They say that it's supposedly snowing tomorrow. That'd be the first time K sees snow. I am sure that it'll be flurry not pouring. Nevertheless, it'd be nice to see a little flurry white on top of the not-so-green- grass. I am feeling out of shape, lazy, and unmotivated. K is getting tired of his same routines inside the house so we've been entertaining one another. More or less, I've been the one who do the most keeping him entertain. Spring is not coming fast enough. I need to shed the Holidays' pounds and back in my shorts. Until next blog. My best always, Serene

Special Person

These are my aunt Betty and uncle Bob by marriage. Aunt Betty accepted me and loved me as I am since the first day that we met in 2002. She was not critical or judgemental. She was very accepting and loving. She was funny, witty, straight forward, persistance, and very spunky. She was nothing but ordinary. She said what she meant and meant what she said. She didn't care what others thought because she had her own ideas and style of how she lived her life. She made my uncle Bob very happy. My uncle told me that he accepted her passing because he knows that she is no longer suffering and in pain...he knew that it's her time to go because she was very weak and was not able to recognize him the last week of her life. It's still tough and unimaginable of what he's going through. I wish we could have been there for him and comfort him in person.

They took great care of each other for the past fortyteen years. They only had each other and they had a great and wonderful life together. Since the past year, her body was failing but her mind was still sharp. Uncle Bob was a her primary care person and never once he complained how hard the job was...all he said was he loved to take care of her. She remembered me still when we talked a few times on the phone. I told her that I love her and that I appreciated her for loving me. I also made sure that she knows how much she means to me in my letters. I love her as if she was my own aunt. We had a bond and special love that lasts a life time. I talked to Uncle Bob on Friday to check in on him. He didn't want to make me cry so he couldn't talk to me too long about her passing but he did say that he is very sad and in mourning...she is in Heaven now watching out for him and waiting for him to come home with her when it's his time. He told me that he was going to send me something of her because she wanted me to have it. I told him that he would make me the happiest person on earth because it would mean so much to me to have a part of her that she wanted to share with me. I cried and was speechless. I am anxious to see what he will send me in the mail.

I love you aunt Betty. Thank you for loving me, accepting me for who I am, never judge or criticize me. I know that she is healthy, happy, and whole because she is home in Heaven. I will see her again when my time comes. I am heart-broken and very sad because I am selfish wanting her to stick around for me and uncle Bob. Like uncle Bob, I accepted her passing because it's her time to be one of God's Angels. I forever love you aunt Betty. Until next blog. My best always, Serene