Thank you for the Presents Aunt Betty

This is my Aunt Betty. She passed away on Christmas Holiday. Uncle Bob sent me these beautiful pictures and her silver Starfish necklace. Aunt Betty loves Starfish, Seashells, and Humming birds. They were unexpected gifts. Uncle Bob told me that he wanted me to have one of her most treasured things so I can have a part of her too. I was very touched and happy knowing that they love me as much also and want me to have these valuable items. I won't ever forget Aunt Betty or stop loving her even if I don't receive these precious gifts.

Wow, Aunt Betty was a Hottie when she was younger. I bet she had great times being young, beautiful, and single. Uncle Bob said that all the guys in town were chasing after her...she picked Uncle Bob because he made her laugh and that he hung around long enough to wear her down... she had no choice but gave in and chose him. Very funny and romantic.

Loosing Aunt Betty and Stinky in the same week made me think more about my life now and after...what would happen to K when I am gone. I am not afraid to leave this world. I would have regrets if it happens too soon because I just want to be on this earth long enough to see K grow up doing things like plays sports, dates, gets married, have children, and so on. I want K to know that I love him unconditionally; I will to protect him when he's weak, stand up for him when he's most afraid, and agree to disagree with him of his ideals, thinking, issues about life, politics, religions, and so on. Just because I maybe mad at his action that doesn't mean that I'll stop loving him.

Of course, we all have regrets in life that's why they called it "hind sight". Are they really regrets or just us being selfish and greedy? We're selfish and greedy because we want more out of life, don't want to let go, afraid of losing control of our fate, or want to live forever. I believe that we create our destiny, and our time on this earth is limited and preassigned. It's up to us to live our life the best way we can to our fullest potential or not do anything at all and blame everyone else for our misfortunes.

I don't know when my time will be and if my time ever come too soon, please do not mourn my untimely death. I will forever look over my son, husband, family members, my closest and dearest friends Stacey and Oanh making sure that they are safe and protected. I ask you to remember the good times we shared, fun times we enjoyed, and bad times we experienced. Talk to me when you miss me because I will hear you. I feel like if you cannot be good and love me when I am alive, I sure don't want your tears and regrets after I am gone...what good is that, you know?

As I said before, we all have our purpose in life whether or not we see or accept them. Live your life with integrity and confidence, don't let anyone put you down or make you feel inadequate, stand up for the weak and vulnerable, be good to ones you called families and friends, say what you mean and mean what you say with tact, most importantly be empathetic and compassionate toward others as you would like them to you. I have flaws, I feel broken at times, I made stupid and bad decisions in life, and I gave in to others' ideas and influences which I was uncomfortable with. Hind sight...I would of done things differently, chose wisely, and not listened to others too quickly. I was jaded as a child, I was mistreated as a teen, and a loner as an adult. They said that you can't hold on to the past if you want a different and better future.

Maybe for all those reasons, I feel isolated and hardened. Maybe that's why I don't settle for less in life because I have so much to give. I refuse to be mistreated and used again because i am strong and not afraid to fight back. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends because they were fair weathered and untrustworthy. I give at least 100% in any relationship I am in and I expect that much back...so far I only find it in couple of friends. Some said that "to love me is to understand me." or "accept me for who I am not of what I can do for you or give you."

I always give people benefits of the doubts and tried not to prejudge anyone. I may be standoffish and guarded at first but I am loyal, trustworthy, understanding, and easy going. I am Cancer and I am true to the crab description...it is hardened and not pretty to look at on the outside but soft, bendable, and full of goodies from the inside once you get passed my shell. Until next blog. My best always, Serene

Mama, I Super Hero...

For the longest time, K had not asked about Stinky. We were wondering if he even noticed that she's gone. We didn't bring her up infront of K fearing that he'd ask questions that we couldn't answer. About 3 weeks or so after Stinky's gone...as I was doing laundry, I turned around and there was K. He asked "hey, where's my Chihuahua at?" I pretended not to hear him because the unexpected happened. He then asked me again "where's my Stinky at, mama?" I stopped doing laundry, bent down to K's level and said "you remember how she was very sick, coughing, and had hard times breathing...she is in Heaven now honey...she feels better, she's happy,and shes's not sick anymore." K said "huh".

I further explained: "you see how pretty the clouds are, they are soft, white, and fluffy. Stinky lives there now...it's her new home." K got mad and said "no, mama...I want my Stinky back home to mama's home. I want her eat her food and go outside play." I cried. I miss Stinky too and I don't have to hide it from K anymore...what a relief, but I saw the expression on K's face of how ademently he wanted her here with us. I told him "someday maybe we can look up the clouds and see her up there and say hi to her, o.k.? for now, that's her new home, she's not sick anymore." K then walked away with his head down. I don't know what's in his head, what he's thinking. Sitting on the couch being very sad and quiet...maybe he was dealing with the sadness of loss for the very first time in his life. About 15 mns later or so, I sat next to him and asked if he wants to talk to me about how he feels. He just looked at me with those big brown eyes...his eyes were talking but nothing came out. I huged and kissed him. I told him that it's ok to be sad of missing Stinky, it's ok to cry because we miss her, and that it's ok to talk about how much we love her. I know that he's confused...so many questions in his head that he couldn't articulate them in words.

Few days afer that, we're in the car driving to Target. A beautiful day...it was sunny, temps was in the 50s, a little breezy and cold, but overall was a nice day. We were at the red lights, K looked up the sky as if he's looking for something...I asked what he sees up there. He told me "I am looking for Stinky mama. I Super Hero, I come and rescue her and bring her back to mama's home." I laughed with teary eyes. He then said "can I mama? can I rescue her?" I said "yes you can, you can do anything you want to for Stinky but she needs to be up there...she's happy to be sleeping on the clouds." He didn't respond kept looking up the sky.

Two days ago, we were outside playing GI Joe. It's a game that K plays with Joe when the wx is nice. They would run around the culde sac and throughout neighbors' houses with their plastic rifles pretending to be soldiers looking for bad guys. Of course, when Joe's not here...I must fill in Joe's shoes. I am not very good at the game but K took the lead and I followed him. He took a break from playing and leaned against the car. Again, he's looking up the sky concentrating as if he sees something. I asked him "what are you looking for, honey?" He said "I'm looking for Stinky...I can't see her mama, where's Stinky on the clouds mama?" I told him "maybe she's napping, but we'll make sure that we'll look for her often and maybe someday we can see her up there and we'll wave at her o.k.?" He was contend with my answer and stopped looking up the clouds.

Is K accepting that she' s moved on? Does he understand what Heaven is? Does he understand why Stinky is not here with us? and Is he coping with living in the house without her presence? When Stinky was alive, K barely paid attention to her. He didn't play with her, didn't mess with her, didn't pet her without us encouring him to, didn't bother her, or infringed in her space. She and K were like 2 ships passing in the nightssss. It was understood love and affection from both for one another. Once in a while, he would ask of her or made sure that she was ok when she was sick but for the most part...they co-existed.

Stinky's memorial plaque we ordered from Lowes came yesterday, I placed it in the garden where Stinky rested. K asked us "what's that mama?" I told K " it has Stinky name on here, her age...it means that we will never forget her, she will always be a part of our family, and we will always love her." "Awesome" K responded. He then said "I love the clouds, they are pretty and Stinky is up there..." "yes, honey...she is..." Until next blog. My best always, Serene